So… here I am once again with flashbacks and more clarity. Soon there will be an aspect from mercury to Chiron.  Memories about childhood trauma!

I’m feeling it before it happens and I’m sure I’m not the only one. It’s hard to run my online business, and show up for other people so they can be encouraged while I’m not feeling my best.

There’s part of me that wonders, if I was in love would these revelations be so bothersome? A acquaintance of mine suffers from manic depression. One day she’s overly happy and then next day she’s deeply depressed.  She said if she had something to do she wouldn’t progressively spiral downward. Now I understand that when a person has something to do outside of the home, it’s helpful mentally and emotionally. It brings some form of happiness.  Working from home for me is not all of what its cracked up to be. Yes I enjoy the financial freedom and leisure. I also recognize the downside.

So, there is a eclipse moon coming and the north node transitions into Taurus. Meanwhile, Scorpio season will come up. This is sadness, transformation and things ending. This will be rough! On top of that, in my progressed chart I saw an alignment that told me a Male will die in a car crash while driving long distance.  So yeah, a lot is on my plate so I hadn’t been sleeping.

Anyhow, my flashback and clarity moment showed me that I could hold a fast and pray. To remove all of those demons attached to my son. But my pride says, no. Let him suffer. He has no issues with spreading rumors about how he was going to pay girls to jump me and record it to put it on Facebook so I can be humiliated. Aside from that, it’ll be like cleaning up my mother’s mess and she’ll get away with not doing it herself. She’s swept her bad deeds under the rug for over a decade and the snake has reared its ugly head. She sees it, and ignores it while hoping nobody notices or realizes what she did.

I’m suppressing my anger towards her. I truly see her for exactly who she is, which is a evil parent. I always wanted to know why did she have 7 kids? Why did she damage all of us in different ways? Once she saw parenting was not for her, why did she keeping having kids? Did she do it just to keep a man?

It’s clear to me that she never actively wanted kids. And that’s okay. My question is still, why keep having kids she didn’t want?

So when I got pregnant with my son, I did not want him. I was nowhere ready to be a parent. And truth be told, I had a gut feeling to stay away from his father as he would ruin my life. I did not listen to that gut feeling. The resentment that I have towards him is uncanny. I coexist with him for the sake of the kid. But he knows I don’t like him.

I felt guilty about getting an abortion. So I kept the kid and decided to do the best I could. Even though I had no idea what that was, what that looked like, or what I was in for.

There were times when I thought to just drop the baby off at the father’s house with a note, birth certificate and social security number and just high tale it to another state. But I knew eventually the kid would look for me and I’d have to deal with his emotions. Now here I am all these years later and I had to deal with his emotions anyway. I would have been better off going with my 1st thoughts.

Anyhow I knew the kid would realize one day that I never wanted him. And he did. He asked me but I won’t tell the truth because he can’t handle the truth. And I don’t want to add another thing on my list of “I don’t want to deal with your emotions”

I feel like I experienced too much from an entitled kid I never wanted to begin with. So, I decided, I won’t. I will no longer experience negative things from an adult.

I wasn’t a crackhead mother to him. He was never physically abused. He was never molested or raped. He was never in danger. He never went without food, clothing and shelter. I wore $5 boots during the winter season while he wore $100 boots. He slept on name brand pillows while I had to 2 for $5 pillows that got flat in a week. He was taken care of, comfortable and safe. He was supported when he wanted to play sports. He was supported and encouraged emotionally. He got hugs. How many of us from my generation can say their mother hugged them? How many of us can say our mother was not addicted to drugs?

How many of us can say our parents taught them how to date, how to dress, how to carry ourselves? How to cook? My son had that. And he still turned against me, abused me and manipulated me.

All of that because he wanted me. He resents me because he did not have a lifestyle of the rich and famous childhood. And I don’t carry any guilt for that.

What really bothers me is the level of hate, anger and disrespect he carries towards me. For that, I have zero interest in having a relationship with him. I’m prepared to move on with my life as if I don’t have any kids at all.

So to all of the parents reading this that have entitled kids, don’t allow yourself to be emotioanlly abused and manipulated. Create boundaries and protect your mental health. And if sacrificing your kids mean you being healthy, then do just that. They have zero remorse for what they do to you, how they treat you.

Remember what the Menendez brothers did to their parents. Learn from that without a personal experience.