This blog is for parents whom may have experienced similar experiences with parenthood as me. I have found that writing about what’s on my heart has been therapeutic for me. I have decided not to mention this stuff to my “friends” because they have a tendency to throw things back into peoples face when mad. I also do not tell certain things to family because they are no better. And… therapy isn’t enough. So, let’s pick up where we left off in part 2.

As I sat back and remembered what was forgotten, out two and two together, and spoke the truth to myself by thinking for myself, there was a lot of realizations that I never noticed previously.

The 1st thing was the patterns. I had to acknowledge that I’m an abused woman. My mother was emotionally manipulative to me, my son father was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, and my son bullied and emotionally manipulated me. It’s all abuse. They all did it because they believed that I was obligated to something, for them. Almost like ownership. And when they got what they never anticipated from me, they were mad. And held me accountable for their madness. I internalized it all, and felt responsible for doing something wrong. When the truth is, I did not. I wasn’t perfect, but their issues had nothing to do with me. I never caused them pain. They projected their stuff off on me. And because I’m hard on myself, I accepted what they pushed on me.

In the bloodline, the demonic spirit of division is running a muck. And it falls on my mothers lap for her to take accountability for and dismantle it. It’s not my job to deal with that spirit. There’s the spirit of rejection and abandonment as well. Again, not my cross to bear. I decided that I will no longer clean up my mother’s mess. I did that as a child and I will no longer do so. This tells me that my mother is emotionally codependent. Something God taught me to recognize. And He taught me to overcome that spirit by thinking independently.

When my mother went to jail, I think she rectified her mistakes with God. And tries to make up for her mistakes with her kids, by doing things for her grandkids. And it doesn’t work like that. She has to get to the root of the situation by facing her own traumas with the truth, and dealing with those spirits that are running a muck in the bloodline. She doesn’t deal with those demons because she’s emotionally codependent. Some of this stuff between my son and I falls on her lap because she used those demons for her benefit. Meaning, all she wanted from me was money so she can buy drugs. As if it’s not traumatizing to make her kids financially support her drug habits. As if it wasn’t humiliating for her kids to have an entire neighborhood know she’s a crackhead.

One of my brothers suffer from manic depression and he’s bipolar. That generational curse somehow skipped me and went to my son. My mother has panic attacks and anxieties. She cant handle stress and don’t want anyone to know. My son has manic depression, bipolar, and can’t handle stress. My brother will feel unsafe and start trembling and shaking. I, don’t feel safe spiritually. And when I don’t feel safe, anxiety gets triggered. This is all because my mother did not heal those generational traumas and deal with those generational spirits before she had kids. And since she did nothing due to being codependent, her son and grandson suffers. I assure you, that day at the hospital for my son I saw those demons tormenting him. I could fast, pray and petition God for help. But I’m not. Because it’s not my cross to carry.

God put things on my plate to deal with. I broke the generational pathology of no one graduating high school, no one attending college, educating myself, becoming financially literate, eating clean and healthy, taking accountability, bringing family issues from oug of the closet and onto the table to be talked about. There’s no more sweeping things under the rug with what happens In this house stays in this house. I break limited thinking and the spirit of religion. I recently broke another pathology with being emotionally codependent. I have enough to do in order to do what I’m called to do for myself. Because breaking pathologies help me. Wherever that energy flows, it will go because that’s where God wants to to go. That part has nothing to do with me.

So I’m not sure yet what the purpose is for my son having the same issues as my brother. For now, all I can think of is, my mother cant be a hypocrite. She can’t be against my brother for his issues and not be against my son for the same issues.

My part with my son is understanding that he really doesn’t have anything to be mad about. He felt entitled to my money and then got mad when the bad things he wanted to happen to me never happened.

He twisted things in his mind to believe I needed him. Not sure how or what he based that belief on. But once he saw i was perfectly fine without him, his hurt came out as anger. I realized that he never wanted to leave my house when he was 16 years old. He just wanted the lifestyle of the rich and famous childhood. I realized that he felt perhaps rejected and abandoned when I didn’t chase after him. And I have no clue what made him think a parent should chase a child for a relationship. Then he took what he was taught to mean he is better than his parents. He wants us (his father and I) to feel beneath him. He wants us fo acknowledge that he’s better than us, as if he’s a king. That’s all ego, pride and immaturity. He has a lot of audacity and will soon get a reality check once the planet Saturn goes direct.

I’m not sure where all of his arrogance come from, why he believes what he believes. But it’s far from true. Hos father is always traveling to different states without his son, and I moved on with my life without my son. At this point he is an adult and neither his father nor I will chase him. He doesn’t respect his parents cause we did not spend the amount of money on him that he wanted us to spend. He wanted what he saw his friends had not realizing that was his friends, not him. He was never destitute, which is where his sense of entitlement stems from. Again, that stuff that he carries is not my cross to bear. He can’t manipulate me. Been there and done that before he was even born. And the mere fact that he thrives off of abusing me, will always be the reason why I will never trust him.

I now have to create new boundaries. Because I will not tolerate abuse of any kind, nor will I be mind fucked by anyone, let alone my own kid.

So, he has decided as an adult that he doesn’t want to speak to me. And I’m going to respect the decision that he made for himself. I will not allow stress to kill me. I will not sit around heartbroken and stopping my own life. This is the very strength my mother and son tries to break. But like I said, they didn’t make me who I am. So they can’t break me.