Today I woke up with my mind racing with thoughts and flashbacks of traumatic experiences with my son and mother.

So I took a look at the natal chart for the collective to see what the planetary alignment was. And right now mercury, the planet of “The mind” is in Opposition to Chiron, the planet of “Childhood trauma”. With mercury being in Libra for about the next two months, relationships will be highlighted. So, this combination of energies is giving me flashbacks of traumatic experiences through other family. Things that brought me heartache from long ago is resurfacing. And through the process of healing there’s a lesson about myself to be learned.

Let me back up just a bit. My son hadn’t spoken to me in over a decade. He didn’t want me in his life, and I moved on with mines. Not having contact with him gave me peace in my conscience, and I felt safe in my own home where I pay the bills. You see, he did things in what I like to believe were unconscious. His father, while abusing me would emotionally manipulate me, and my son did the same thing. Emotional manipulation is abuse. My son was mad about me not giving him my money so he can buy drugs. Which was the same thing my mother did to me. Just like my mother tried to make my life a living hell just because I wouldn’t give her money to buy drugs, my son did the same thing to me. He tried to make my life a living hell because I wouldn’t give him money to buy drugs. My son linked up with one of his high school friends who got high, and he got high with his friends. And liked it. But by being a teenager he couldn’t financially support his habit. And since I was the only parent in the household he looked to me to lay for his drugs. He never went to his father for money simply because his father was never there. As a responsible parent, I tried to teach him right, kept him sheltered, and provided for him. And I have learned that some of what I did was to his detriment. I should have showed him real life crackheads, gang members, homeless people and children, real poverty, and talked to him like an adult while he was a child. I should have given him a reality check. But I didn’t know that was something I should have done. Or could’ve done.

So before he became a teenager, my foul mother told him negative things about me behind my back. Mind fucking him and causing division between my son and I. She wanted something bad to happen to me. Bad things happened to her, and due to her jealousy of me, she deflected that energy off on me. Yet the decisions that she made for herself were the reasons why she got the consequences that she got. None of that energy was my cross to carry. It all belonged to her. And still does. So the seed that she planted over 20 years ago between my son and I, due to her jealousy of me, is still negatively affecting me today. Now I’m on a mission to get what time she was born so that I can do a synestry natal chart between my mother and I. I now want details to what her jealousy came from. Today, my mother has all these kids, all these grandkids, a husband and division everywhere she turns. And now that she’s being pulled in multiple directions, it’s too much for an elderly person to bear. Now she wants unity. Because it’s convenient for her. Because she’s tired now and want peace. Because she now has a husband whose a piece of crap and not family oriented. He even keeps division going. Meaning his kids is separated from her kids. She can’t know what’s going on with his kids, but he can know what’s going on with hers. When they met, the both of them weren’t family oriented and now that she finally see what’s been in her face the whole time, she wants to change it. But she’s not facing the mess that she created a long time ago. It’s like she expects for the energies to work itself out. But pathology doesn’t work that way. Karma never works itself out. I’ve been watching her notice her shit is resurfacing and she’s keeping quiet and waking away. While simultaneously and inadvertently trying to get me to fix things for her. Again, it’s not my cross to bear and I will say no when the time is right. And it’s coming. It’s the audacity of her to fuck me over, realize this shit is on her lap but want me to fix it cause it’s beneficial for her. She doesn’t want to face herself or her consequences, and he thinks nobody notices. But I do. Its interesting to see that she’s still toxic. And a bit narcissistic.

Nevertheless, my son was rushed to the hospital and my mother contacted me to be there. Turned out my son contracted a STD. Meanwhile, he was mad that his father and I were at the hospital. One would think that a child would see that he had parents that cared. He did not. All he knew was that he didn’t want to see us. He was so mad, all I saw in his eyes was anger and hate. I couldn’t figure out what was it that I did that was so wrong that it caused him to hate me. All the sacrifices that I made, all of the trauma that I endured to keep him as a single, poor, uneducated parent, the abuse of his father that I withstood, was all in vain. That hurts me more than knowing he hates me. My mother tried to bring us together, without rectifying the division that she caused. The root of the problem hadn’t been cleared. I was sitting there looking at my son and seeing demons torment him. And my mother did what she do best. Keep quiet and walk away. He always say my mother saved his life. I never knew why he said that. But I do know he has no clue she’s the culprit.

We spoke for 2 weeks. The next thing I knew, I texted him and he replied, “Who is this”. That let me know he deleted my number cause he didn’t want to speak to me. He was probably sitting around thinking about things, got mad and deleted my number. So, I sent him a long text telling him to take accountability for the decisions that he made for himself which caused the consequences that he got. I let him know his friends that he was doing drugs with came back and told me he said, he was going to pay some girls to jump me while he record it and put it on Facebook to humiliate me. I also told him to get a therapist. Depression and bipolar is a real disease. He doesn’t want me in his life and when I oblige the adult, he gets mad that I’m not in his life. If I speak he gets mad and tell me not to speak. When I don’t he gets mad. At the hospital he said to me, “You don’t call me for my birthday ” I said to him, you don’t want me to. And he kept quiet. Meanwhile the phone works both ways. He can call me as well and don’t. The difference between me and him is he’s mad about it. I’m not. We both don’t respect each other and it shows. We both don’t like each other and it shows. However it stems from a combination of things. How i felt during my pregnancy, my decisive mother, and his aspects in his natal chart.

When I did a synestry chart between him and I we actually had a lot in common. There were things I was supposed to teach him but he never got the lessons. Things are so gone between us that he never will. My plan is to relocate to another state and just let things go. I’m prepared to live the rest of my life without him. And I’m okay with it because I value my peace. I’m okay with it because his mental health issues has nothing to do with me even though he’s projecting that energy off on me as an escape. One day, he will have no other choice but to face himself. And acknowledge nobody is to blame but himself. He will have to acknowledge that I did nothing wrong and he was really reaching due to his mental health.

When he was a teenager he wanted money for drugs. Because I wouldn’t give it to him, he wanted to move out. Meanwhile he was going around my house cutting cords to appliances that he used. Why? He thought that if I wouldn’t give him my money, and he destroyed my things I would have to spend it to replace what he destroyed. And he felt he was right for doing that. So ultimately I wouldn’t have my money. It backfired on him. I never replaced anything. I began to take away the things he had that my money paid for. Things I was never required by law to give, but gave those things cause I wanted him to have it. He then took down all the things from off my walls that were of him. Graduation pictures, awards, etc. He didn’t want me to have any memories of his accomplishments, just like my mother wanted to hurt me, he did too. When he realized he couldn’t cause me any harm, he tried to get other adults to do it. Just like my mother went to the streets trying to get my enemies to physically fight me. Neither of them got what they wanted. Because God was protecting me. Neither of them made me, so they couldn’t break me or my God given strength.

Nevertheless, I woke up one day and thought to myself, I wasn’t obligated to live like that when I was the one paying the bills. I didn’t have to accept the abuse, the bullying or the disrespect. So I called his father and told him to take his son and make sure he didn’t join a gang, go to jail, graduate high school and college. And his father did just that. And only that. His father apologized to me, saying things were his fault because he wasn’t there and the kid just wanted to know who his father was. Meanwhile, my son resented me. He couldn’t bully his father nor manipulate him. And that made him even madder. He no longer had the cushion lifestyle that I provided for him. He no longer wore expensive things, had money in his pocket for food. Boy, was he mad! But why? It was so hard for him to live nicely, so terrible that he wanted to move out. I found a way out for him and he got what he wanted.

He didn’t want me to speak so I didn’t and he was mad.

I realized that ultimately, he saw something his friends had and wanted it. Tried to bully me into giving him what he wanted and it all backfired on him. And 12 years later I’m still blamed for the consequences he got for biting the hand that fed him. At the hospital he said to me, “You wasn’t buying me Jordan’s every two weeks” “You’re a bad parent”. It was then that I knew he had a sense of entitlement. His whole problem with me is that I never gave him the lifestyle of the rich and famous childhood that he envisioned for himself. Based on what he saw his friends had. That’s why it was such a fight with me over MY MONEY….

I remember my mother picked a fight with me, trying to force me to give her my income tax money so she could buy drugs. And then she went around spreading rumors about me, making me look bad. Once I told people it’s my money that I got up and worked for, and that she never worked any of my days for me, they knew I was right. They also knew we had a toxic relationship. Y’all see the pattern and pathology here? She had no right to be mad about my money. Just like my son had to right to be mad about my money.

I’m going to end this particular blog because it’s a long one. In the end, mercury in Libra, in Opposition to chiron has brought flashbacks of traumatic experiences. At the same time, I’m seeing how nothing is “my fault”. My mother and my son were just mad because they couldn’t manipulate me into giving them things I was never obligated to oblige to begin with. And they projected what was bothering them mentally and internally off on me. Like I’m a punching bag for their frustrations. I only got the brunt end of their energy because I was the one close to them. This tells me it’s a new day for boundaries!